04.06.02 Number
11
Deny
Everything
Don Williams: 27505
Artine Drive, Saugus, CA
91350-2193 Ph: 661.297.3947 E-mail: [email protected]
“How many times do
you get to lie before you are a liar?” – Michael
Josephson, 20th/21st- century American ethicist.
“When you say you
agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest
intention of carrying it out in practice.” – Otto Von Bismark.
“Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But
if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.” – FA Montagu.
2001
A Gaming ODYSSEY
Russian F smy r SYR
OAustria (Andy
Lischett) Remove F gre. Has As BOH, SER; F AEG.
OEngland (Mike
Mazzer) Build F EDI, A
LON. Has As LON, RUH; Fs EDI, POR, ENG,
LPL, NTH, HOL, DEN.
OGermany (Jim
O’Kelley) Remove F BAL. Has As BER, STP.
OItaly (Gary
Coughlan) Build F NAP, F ROM, F
VEN. Has As BUD, MUN TYA, VIE; Fs NAP,
ROM, VEN, EAS, ION, TUN.
ORussia (Corky
Clark) Remove A kie, F
swe. Has As GAL, SEV, SIL, UKR; F SYR.
OTurkey (Jim
Burgess) Build A CON. Has As ARM, CON, RUM; Fs BUL(ec), SMY.
Game Notes:
PRESS:
GM
to GAME: Well, now, normally I’d start
the press here with something witty and short.
But seeing us how I got a lot of neither this time, I figured I’d fill
in the white space myself and get you all started on the next page over. Besides, this gives me one last chance to
warn you of the coming Burgess bombast, aka “Blitherfest ‘02”.
Andy
Lischett 2402 Ridgeland Ave., Berwyn, IL 60402 NA
Mazzerman 1900
Kelton Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90025 [email protected]
Woody 602
Hemlock Circle, Lansdale, PA 19446 [email protected]
Chum 664
W. Irving Park Rd., I-6, Chicago, IL
60613 [email protected]
Grimme 6066
Belle Grove Cove N, Memphis, TN 38115 [email protected]
Corky 29123
Diablo Place, Castaic, CA 91384 [email protected]
Boob 664 Smith Street, Providence, RI 02908-4327 [email protected]
YOUR MAP HERE!
Austria Tri Ser
Gre 3
England Edi Lon
Lpl Bel Bre
Den Nwy..Hol..Por 9
France 0
Germany Ber..Stp 2
Italy Nap Rom
Ven Mar Par
Spa Tun Bud..Mun..Vie 10
Russia Mos Sev War
Swe Kie 5
Turkey Ank Con
Bul Rum Smy 5
34
[ROME]: Italian archivists and scholars are
busily analyzing tons of documents which literally fell into their
hands this winter (along with Munich, Vienna and Budapest!) from the
offices of the highly-esteemed Doctor Sigmund Freud of Austria.
The 49-year-old Dr Freud himself shared insights from
his extensive psychological evaluations of Europe's crowned
heads with the King of Italy. Here are some of Dr.
Freud's brief personality sketches:
THE SULTAN OF TURKEY is "a xanthous flexiloquent cockalorum", i.e. a
yellow-colored person who speaks ambiguously and thinks his role (in
Europe) is bigger than it, in actuality, is, similiar to that of
a rooster who thinks his crowing has made the sun rise, hence
"cockalorum".
THE
AUSTRIAN EMPEROR is "a congenital megalo-ornithophobic timbromaniac",
i.e., someone who from birth has been both an avid stamp collector and very
fearful, to the point of phobia of, specifically, big birds.
OUR OWN KING OF ITALY is "a manic-depressive diophysitic
infracaninophile with a persecution complex", i.e. someone with
two distinctly separate personalities, both of which feel persecuted and
who tends to support or defend
the underdog
while experiencing mood swings, a no doubt somewhat alarming
combination to all of Italy's neighbors at one time or another.
THE GERMAN KAISER is "a compulsive schizophrenic paramnesiac",
i.e. a disorder in which one constantly remembers events that never
happened such as being someone's ally or being stabbed.
THE NEW RUSSIAN TSAR is " undoubtedly an edacious megamalophile",
i.e. someone who really, really loves apples and is voracious in devouring them
(no doubt often confusing them with supply centers). As with the all the
Tsars of Russia, the new Tsar is a remote, mysterious figure whose virtues and
vices are not yet well-known to the rest of Europe.
THE KING OF ENGLAND is "an obsessive latrinologic tapinophobe", i.e.
someone who has an obsessive and unreasoning fear of small things (like
Germany) combined with a penchant for studying writings on bathroom walls
and incorporating them into his press releases.
GM to ASIDE TO THAT
PART OF EUROPE GREEN WITH ENVY, NOT BLOCKS:
I don’t mind that “tons of documents” fell into the hands of the Italian
government. I do mind that they intend
to re-print them all here. But, hey,
enough whining, I have ears to box!
GM to ROME: I think good Dr. Freud is being a little
harsh about King Bertie. He’s just a
little reserved, especially since that rumor got out about his fear of of small
“things” … I think you know what I’m saying here …
ENGLAND to
GM: Us Brits reserved? Have you ever been to the Cock and
Bull Pub in Santa Monica watching the FA Cup Final on closed circuit? I've never seen so many people roaring drunk
at 7:00 in the morning in my life. Reserved? You've got
to be kidding.
GM to ENGLAND: Well, maybe I’m wrong about the reserved
part, but given your total lack of denial about the other comment, and the fact
that you worked the word “cock” into your statement, I’d say I’m spot on.
BOOBISH APOLOGIES to
GOLDEN AGE PRESS FANS: I hope Gary and
Mike kept up their excellent performances; I know that my cheap Boobish banter
pales in comparison. Nevertheless, I offer myself in sacrifice to
the game! I know this meager contribution is little in the way of
penance. But I get myself started and
see where I go. I finish up with some
quickies that DIS the DIS and other concoctions ...
GM to BOOB: Not so fast there, Sparky … it ain’t
concoctions, it’s cockalorum, just like Rome said. Hate to admit this, but it’s good to have you end your moratorium
and join the odyssey.
JIM-BOB to ODYSSEY
FANS: I must break my press silence
with some candid comments. The first couple of seasons, press was
lacking from me just from lethargy. But since then my game relationship with
Mark, that for some reason became intensely personal and a bit hurtful, caused
me to decide that my best course of action was not to write any
press. Because I think the point of press is to add to the FUN of
the game!!! I follow very closely in word and intent my TAP house
rule that I want to be insulted and abused at least as much as anyone else, and
that includes my abusing. But, somehow, a friendship and
relationship with Mark has been deeply damaged, and damaged as part of being in
a game. And I find myself conflicted and concerned. Yet, I want to
have fun in THIS game, now, and as of this point I am launching back into that
mode. I pray that Mark finds the happiness he seeks, or doesn't seek
but needs. Shalom.
GM to BURGESS: You know, technically your silence was
actually okay. Good, really. More welcome than not, in fact, truth be
told. Shame you broke your streak,
actually. Still, overall I suppose it’s
a plus to have everyone participating.
EVILISH BOOB to SAD
SACK DUCK: You will regret this, I
assure you. A plus turns into a minus
SOOOOOOO easily.
SSD to GET A
CLUE: Not to put too fine a point on
this, your Boobishness, but the utter lack of your press thus far has been like
a breath of the clearest alpine air, a sip from a crystal stream. Your silence has been golden, your absence a
cornucopia of blessings, the lack of your torpid, listless, mindless,
Burgessian pap a symphony, your …
BOOB to THE
CLUELESS: Yes, I have been severely
MIA, but I have returned, and if you must blame someone, blame
Woody. After all, I send out 150 copies of TAP every three weeks and
probably only get true active subs from half that. SO I am
certifiably nuts. And every word I write
here comes out of MY pocket 150 times over, but Woody made me do
it.
DUCK to BOOB: It’s apparently the only thing Woody made
anybody do. Look, would you shut up and
let someone else talk awhile? It’s getting
stuffy in here.
BOOB to DUCK: OK, that's it for now. But
suffice it to say, with humor, grace, and sheer idiocy, I have returned. MacArthur, I ain't.
DUCK to DOUGIE: We’ll consider ourselves warned, Dougie …
ENGLAND to
ITALY: I must take issue about "snuffing out the light of
French civilization". 1) You were very much an unindicted
co-conspirator in this enterprise and, 2) What civilization? The
inventors of escargot, deconstructionism, colaborationism, existentialism, and
Jerry Lewis worship deserve to be destroyed.
SAUGUS to
LONDON: Frogs legs, you forgot to put
frogs legs on the list …
BOOBISH FROG LEGS
LOVER to WOODY: Sorry I didn't get a
chance to join in on the feast.
DUCK to BOOB: What?!
You write reams of marginal press and you’re a cannibal? Is there no end to your depravity?
PRESS JUDGE to
ODYSSEANS: Oh, for ghod's sake. You guys are really incompetent. You get Mazzer in a game and you don't jump
his ass right out of the gate? You let
him dominate the press? You let him
KILL WOODY!? What
are you, men or ...
POSTALLY POWERFUL
BOOB to E-MAIL CANCELLING HAMSTER MOLESTER:
Yes, I mean you! You may put me on your "cancelled"
list, but the US Postal Service WILL deliver for me, to you! And if
it doesn't, I'll sic our local representative Gary on you!! Bounce back MY E-Mail, will you, I'll show
you. It's all YOUR fault!!
GM to POSTAL
BOOB: Hey, would you kindly SHUT
UP! The Press Judge just rode in … I
haven’t seen him in more than 10 years I think. … HEY, JUDGE, how you doin’?
Press has pretty good, but you missed the early Olsen stuff. He was Russia, and was big and bad and his
press was better than the old days … it was about Count Vlad and single-minded
antelopes, and being crushed like an insect and Solomon-like-Wisdom-While-U-Wait and …
PRESS JUDGE to
GM: Oh, never mind. You can lead an
Olsen to uranium, but you can't make him bright.
GM to PRESS
JUDGE: Make him bright? Shit, I can’t even make him play.
BOOB to PRESTIGIOUS OLSEN, CZAR FOREVER: But my powers pale before yours, oh great
and powerful Sludge. You must return,
you must. I must serve thee always, as
I have promised. You know that
EVERYTHING I do is in thy service, and I hope the light of thy countenance
shines upon my face.
GM to BOOB: Oh, brother … look, Ironfist said he was too
busy these days to give the game appropriate attention. As they say in baseball, Sludge is out for
the season …
BOOB to SLUDGE: Who said mud season was over? Get
back here and win this game like you're supposed to!!
GM to BOOB: Go away.
Let someone interesting step up to the mike for a bit.
ITALY to GM: Now, unlike Mazzer's setting
"fleetish" sun with its rays spiraling UNCONTROLLABLY in every
direction, look at Italy's serene green ... shady tree. The trunk of
this beautiful green tree grows from its roots in Tunis, up to the stout
foundation of Naples and Tyrrhenian Sea (put them together on the old Diplomacy
board, Don!) up to the tip-top in Venice. And from Munich through Tyrolia
through Vienna through Budapest, this sturdy trunk is crowned by an abundant
green canopy which gives sheltering protection to battered European
nation-states where they can recover their strength.
GM to JOLLY GREEN
GIANT: Well, something’s shady, and it ain’t
the tree, which appears to be growing from a huge pile of manure, if you’ll
pardon my analogy. Best get my
hip-waders on …
TURKEY to ITALY: It is
interesting how our fortunes have become inextricably
intertwined. Three builds, eh? Now, where are those
fleets headed??
ENGLAND to
ITALY: Paisan, you've been a wonderful ally to date, all that I
could ask for despite those rather ostentatious three builds. But
let me suggest that Whitehall will look askance, nay view with alarm, any
attempts to seriously challenge Britannia on the waves – if we see more than
one fleet build, then we shall have to question Italy's good faith. We
are willing to allow another frigate for the war with the Turks – but those
rumored dreadnaughts being built in secret along the Tyrhennian coast – well
they had better be only rumors.
GM to BERTIE: You’re dating your ally, Gary??? Hmm, well it isn’t covered in the HRs, but
it sure gives cause to ponder. Now this
is Odyssey, which is the classic saga of Ulysses’ return home after the Trojan
War. The Trojan War started when Troy’s
King, Paris, abducted the Spartan King Menelaus’ wife, Helen. So, if Gary’s got Paris, that makes you
Helen of Troy.
GM to PRESS
JUDGE: You got to admit, that was
pretty good.
ROME to
LONDON: You sure ain't no Helen of Troy whose face launched
a thousand ships but I can truly say, Mike, that it is your face that
has launched these three new Italian fleets onto the high seas.
ROME to GM:
But I just don't know which one of the two-faced Mazzerman's
faces did the actual launching ...
What's your guess?
GM to ROME: I’m guessing I’ll stay out of of it … seems
to me Mazzer ain’t the only guy around here with two faces, if you’ll pardon my
meaning. He built one, you built three;
how do you countenance that? You after
the coveted Dick Cheney Award?
BOOB to THOSE INSANE
ENOUGH TO THINK A DICK CHENEY AWARD WOULD BE COVETED: So, how will Italy be claiming Belgium now?? Is THAT
what those three fleets are for??
ROME to
LONDON: On Page 16 of the 2nd Edition (March 1979) of Rod Walker's
superb "The Gamer's Guide to Diplomacy", it
clearly states, and I quote: "Like England, Italy has three coastal supply
centers (only Italy and the two Wicked Witches can build three fleets at one
time)." Now you might can argue with me, but you surely can't
argue with geography!
TURKEY to
ENGLAND: I assume that your Witchdom
hath seen the light of my countenance? You are SOOO feeble ...
ROME to GM and
EUROPE: And, according to the Pope, it was also the will of God that
Italy build three fleets! And who amongst us can argue against geography,
the will of God, the Pope, and Rod Walker? I know I can't ...
GM to A BEAUTIFUL
MIND: You forgot Helen of Troy, O Voice
of Logic and Sweet Reason. Now, if
you’d only mentioned Elvis …
ENGLAND to
ALL: Please forgive the serious tone of the above press
release. We realize it is a departure from our usual airy badinage,
but it had to be said. Now back to the entertainment portion of our
program.
GM to LONDON: Given the Italy’s response, I’d say the
tone’s just right. Bring on the
entertainment!
GM: BUMPER STICKER RECENTLY SEEN ON THE STERN OF
ITALIAN DREADNAUGHTS?
ITALY: Visit Italy before Italy visits you.
CON VIT CUA CHUNG TA
LA MOT CHU NHAN CUA SU GUON COT. HEN GAP LAI.
GM to BOARD: Regarding the above … another bumper
sticker?
BOOB to WORLD: Don't let that Southern Charm delude you,
that Gary is a sly one, he is ...
GM to BOOB: That’s not much of a revelation.
REVELATION 13: 1-3
(King James Version) "And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw
a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his
horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.
And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the
feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him
his power, and his seat, and great authority.
And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound
was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast."
REVELATION 13: 1-3
(Plain English version) "Rome's got seven hills. Italy's got 10
supply centers and now 10 units. Damn look at all them fleets. Beastly.
Italy's one ugly, trash-talkin' Motherf***er. Draggin' Don
adjudicates this game making outrageous results like an Italy with three builds
both possible and official.
I hope at least one Italian "horn" gets blown (away). We are all wondering what Italy's gonna do.
SWITZERLAND
- Instead of a gigantic Russian Bear raiding European beehives
for honey, we now have a huge Italian Hog rooting around and
looking for truffles all over Europe. Meanwhile, lately sighted in
even the most shallow waters, lurks an enormous English Saltwater
Crocodile waiting, with infinite patience, for any unwary Europeans
unlucky enough to cross its path.
SLIGHT TRASH to
WHITE TRASH – BORED WITH THE BOARD GAME:
And another exciting Williams game unfolds. Let's see what we have
here. I see a lion and a flock of lambs, the lambs completely knowing
their condition, and the lion showing himself self-restrained and
benevolent. Wait, I see a second lion. Or is it an ass? Scratch that last observation. I was
looking into a mirror.
PRESS JUDGE to
SLIGHT TRASH: Nice effort, if a bit
rusty. You're in third place after the
short program. (And I'll refrain from
pointing out that you're not qualified for the tall program ...)
ENGLAND to SLIGHT
TRASH: I enjoyed your press (are you indeed Terry Tallperson?
[political correctness at all times please]) but your description of Dipsters,
while perfectly accurate for over the board players, is quite inaccurate in
describing PBM'ers or PBEM'ers. We are erudite, literate, witty,
urbane and able to quote Montaigne at the drop of a hat. Well, most
of us anyway. The rest are old, decrepit, drooling and ready to be
planted. The fact that all of the latter type are concentrated in
this game does not disprove my assertion.
PRESS JUDGE to
AMAZZINGMAN: Did you spend the '90s in
a cryogenic tank? I'd swear you haven't
changed one bit.
GM to PRESS
JUDGE: Yeah, he’s still decrepit and
drooling
ENGLAND to
SYRIA: Bravo! I believe it was Igor Stravinsky who said
(obnoxious parenthesis – Stravinsky said a lot of witty things; he once
described the harpsichord as sounding like two skeletons copulating on a tin
roof – end obnoxious parenthesis) that only the poor artist feels he has to be
original, a good artist borrows from others, but the great artist steals from
others wholesale. Congratulations on your magnificent theft -- where
was that from, The Onion?
PRESS JUDGE to
GM: Deduct 8 style points from yourself
for printing press that's second-hand.
The "Axis of Evil" item was circulating on the 'Net before
"Syria" sent it to you.
SYRIA to PRESS
JUDGE: Everyone’s a critic. I like Mazzer’s take on the theft better,
thank you.
SMYRNA to SYRIA:
Must I send my suicide bombers in, or will you blow yourself up quietly?
BOOB LAMENTS THE
LOSS OF EGYPT TO THE GAME BOARD: I have
sent Corky seeking Cleopatra's Asp, but I don't know if he will be lost in
Syria trying to find it. Oh, bring me a Sludge, from where the
Buffalo roam, and the Mazzer's and the hamster molesters play ...
[ROME]- The Italian
Government announced that the Neapolitan Chronicles,
transferred to Rome from Naples in Winter 1902 for
"security reasons", have been returned to Naples after a two
year absence. For the new European
rulers, the Neapolitan
Chronicles are bulletins, warnings, musings, observations, etc, concerning
European matters which reflect the thoughts of the Italian Government and
are issued by a Royal Council in Naples.
BOOB to ITALIAN
HOBBIT: Is that why you renounce
shoedom? My, what big feet you
have! And what are those in your mouth? My what big ... MUMPHSsnuggle ... struggle ...
DUCK to BOOB: You’re an idiot, did you know that? No offense intended.
GM to GAME: Coming up, the Nonsense Section.
NEAPOLITAN
CHRONICLES [NAPLES]: .….If not
"The Count of Monte Cristo" then maybe "The Egg and
I"?..…Jeremiah 20:4a.....Fragile hippos seem lucidly aware. ...Ghosts of
Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come.....Gotterdammerung?.....Enos
1:24.....I tell you ever'thing. He
looka like a man. ..Primus inter pares,
y'all ...
THE ABYSSINIAN
PRINCE to ITALY: You can find my
wandering party in Tinamou, you don't want to see Imlac and company over here
too, do you??
DENY EVERYTHING to
TAP: You know, the worst sin isn’t that
you send so damn much press. It isn’t
that it’s barely understandable, never mind entertaining or funny. No, the worst sin is that I can’t figure out
how to do anything interesting with it …
TACKY, STICKY BREAST
MILK FILLED BOOB to GOLDEN AGE PRESS FANS:
No, Golden Age, I ain't, but you have to admit that I'm sickly sweet ...
GM to BOOB: Make that just sick.
GM to GAME: He absolutely refuses to listen.
[VENICE]: (An
allegorical presentation of the extreme danger facing five of Europe's six
remaining powers, Note to Mazzerman: This again means that
the each "actress" is actually a country. Note to Don:
Caro amico, each "actress" is known by her Italian name).
Italia:
"Attention, ladies. I welcome you to Venice and hereby call this meeting
of The Continental League of European Maidens United Against The English Wolf,
or CLEMUAEW, to order. Noted as present are myself – I'm Italia to those
of you who haven't met me yet – and these are Germania,
Austria, Russia and ... Turchia?"
Austria:
"Is Turkey, I mean Turchia, European?
I don’t think so."
Russia:
"And I don't think Turchia is really a maiden either!"
Germania:
"Oh stop it! Turchia also isn't a virgin, but none of us will
be, unless we all unite against this lurking English wolf at our doorsteps!"
Italia:
"Well said, Germania. Girls, Germania is right! If we don't
stick together, each of us, one by one, will inevitably suffer the fate of our
poor departed sister, Francia."
Russia:
"My sisters, I am new here as you know. Before I go on, let me just
say, that these are some of the best apples I've ever eaten. Now, please tell me what happened to
Francia, won't you?"
Turchia:
"The English wolf slaughtered Francia in Portugal! I knew
something was wrong when she didn't respond to my emails."
Austria: "I
don't have email capability. Does that put me at greater risk?"
Italia:
"Certainly not, dear. You're safe as long as you stick closely by my
side. I work for the post office and
can get you some great stamps for your collection, too ... "
Germania:
"But, Austria, you do need to get your head out of those stamps
you're always collecting. You know, modernize, update, upgrade, get
with it ... Tell you what, we'll go see
'The Lord of the Rings' together."
Turchia: "And I'll telephone you and keep
you informed about what to do."
Austria: "You're all
so nice to me. How can I ever repay you?!"
Turchia, Germania & Italia: "Heh heh heh heh ..."
Russia:
"Austria, sounds like you'd better watch your Viennese pastries like I'm
watching my Swedish meatballs."
Italia: "That's
very sound advice, Russia, and mind you that you don't get "Kieled"
like Germania did. Germania, why don't you share with the group your
experience with the English wolf and how you so narrowly escaped?"
Germania:
"It was just awful! The English wolf swore complete devotion to me,
and at the very same time I was supporting him both in
Burgundy and in Belgium, he turned on me with a vengeance and our 3 year affair
was over, just like that! He's been snapping at my heels ever since! He'd be glad to see me dead!"
Russia:
"I know just how the English wolf feels ..."
Turchia:
"Russia! That is so thoughtless
and cruel when Germania was so open and sharing with the rest of us!"
Austria:
"Yes, what did Germania ever do to you?!"
Russia: "Germania
stole my capital of St. Petersburg!"
Germania:
"Well, Russia stole my capital of Berlin first!"
Italia:
"Girls, girls, please! We must put these petty disputes behind us
and concentrate on the real danger. The English wolf. You will note
in Venice's harbor, there is a new ship. There are two more just like it
in the harbors of
Rome and
Naples. Together we can keep the English wolf at bay, paying no heed to
his honeyed words and seductive whisperings, while we travel together in
groups. Francia's murder shows that there is only one thing the English
wolf wants from a European maiden.
Mazzerman: "Yeah, your large booties! Hahahahahahaha! Come here, Germania! Let's finish what we started,
hahahahahahahahaha!!"
Continental European
Maidens: Oohhh
nnnoooooooooooooooooo!!!
-----THE END ?-----
GM to VENICE: I doubt it.
It sounded like you were going back to the sincerity you tried for last
ish, though. Nice.
PRESS JUDGE to
MEMPHIS MEISTER: You sound sincere to
me. You sound sincerely whiny.
PRESS JUDGE to
GM: That'sa white whine, of
course. Thin, light, without much kick
to it.
GM to PRESS
JUDGE: That’s cold. You need to lighten up; he’s just being
subtle.
BOOB to DUCK: Since when have I EVER been subtle??
DUCK to BOOB: Never, but who the Hell is talking to
you? Get away from me before I turn the
snake loose on you.
BOOB to SNAKE: So just where and who are you?
SNAKE to BOOB: Lickety-lickety-lickety-lick!!!
GM to PRESS
JUDGE: Will you do something about him
next season? He’s stinking up the
place.
[NAPLES] – Somewhere
east of Budapest, west of Rumania, south of Galicia, and north of ...
Hell no, ain't no Nawth gonna be in this heah story ... perched high
on a craggy mountain-top in the Carpathians, lies a fog-enshrouded, candle-lit
Transylvanian castle, lately the home of Count Vlad, now mysteriously
disappeared.
A new master has come to this castle, and now this story has at last been
filmed by the only man capable of doing so. Yes, it's the long
awaited "BOOB SULTAN'S DRACULA" directed by "Fast
Freddy Cockalorum" himself! (You were expecting, maybe, Francis Ford
Coppola? Not at these prices, dream on!) , starring Gary Oldman, uh,
Gary Coughlan, "Woody" Arnawoodian, "Chum"
O'Kelley, "Boob" Burgess, Van Helsing, uh, Van Halen, "Big
Bird" Lischett and introducing Corky "Keanu DeRees" Clark and
dedicated to the late Bob "Count Vlad" Olsen. Our scene opens
...
Dracula Gary(
Italy): At last, I have
Count Vlad's castle and there is the storied Olsenic crown, up to now, worn by
the greatest press writer of the ages. Mine, all mine,
hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! [Puts on a
stack of Elvis records] And there, in his crib, lies, I hope not ... I'd
best get to him before Mazzer does, the new baby Tsar. Enter
freely into 2001-A, little bambino. I hope this Tsar talks. The last one was 4 years old and still
never uttered a coherent peep to Italy!
[Looks in the mirror] And
look! I don't have a reflection!
I am truly the new incarnation of Count Vlad, I am now ...
Woody(France): Isn't this special? Take that crown off, you Whore of
Budapest! That's not even a mirror
there – you'll looking at a blank picture frame that has the glass broken
out of it. And get away from that new Baby Tsar before you kill him like
you did me. That is, if Elvis's "Hunk of Burnin'
Love" isn't doing it already.
He'd probably prefer some Van Helsing, uh Van Halen. Like
"Runnin' With the Devil" ought to be most appropriate.
Dracula Gary(Italy): Woody! The dead sure do
travel fast and I hoped, uh, thought, you were dead, I mean, it
wasn't me that killed you, it was Mazzer! And I promised to send your
skull to Philadelphia's Mutter Museum where you'd fit right in with the 7'
6" giant's skeleton, President Cleveland's jaw tumor, and the death
cast of those Siamese twins. And please be quiet, you'll wake the new baby
Tsar!
Woody(France): Don't worry. You're the
only one who can see and hear me. Thanks to you, I'm a ghost now. And I'm
going to haunt you until you follow me into the grave, you "Count
Vlad" wannabe. But first, get me a glass of wine.
Gary: Great, all of Europe is coming
after me, and I also have to deal with an alcoholic Armenian ghost. I never drink wine but let me
go see if there's any beer in the castle cellar. You know me, I may be in high cotton now but
I'm still white trash at heart. Budapest ought to have Bud-Lite, you
think? [Wolves howling in the distance]
Ah, listen to the children of the night. What sweet music they
make!
Woody: What is that god-awful
racket? Sounds like a Memphis family
reunion and the Jerry Spring audience in high dudgeon rolled into one.
Gary: Those are my Eastern
European friends and allies, my little Gorgons. Wait till you see
Medusa! They're eager to meet the new Tsar. Watch the baby Tsar
while I go into the cellar and don't let Germany, Austria and Turkey, if they
stop howling, tease him if they come in.
[Gary exits to the cellar. Right after that, Germany, Austria and Turkey
come rushing into the room, snapping at each other's heels and swarming around
the cradle wherein the new baby Tsar is sleeping. Woody watches, unseen
by them]
"Chum"
O'Kelley(Germany):
Finally, somebody I can help beat up. Mazzer's still hot on my trail and
I need some supply centers fast! Let's
do it while that Italian godfather isn't here and makes us another offer we
can't refuse.
"Boob"
Burgess(Turkey): Yeah,
we're all sharks and we're going to bite your arms and legs off. There is no trying, only doing or not
doing. Watch me, do! Hahahahahahaha! Hey,
little Tsar, watch out specially for O'Kelley. He USED to be Shark Chum
and now enjoys making OTHERS into Shark Chum.
Woody:
(heard only by himself) That Boob must be the one they call
Medusa. I think I'll cross him off my
e-mail list.
"Big Bird"
Andy(Austria): Do we have to
kill him right away? He looks so cute, just sleeping there. I think
I'll call him Snuffalafagus and let him play with my rubber duckie that I got
at Sesame Street. [Starts singing]
"Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away ... can you tell me how to get to
Sesame Street?"
"Chum"
O'Kelley(Germany): I think he looks a little 'goofy', like one
of those hobbits. I just love hobbits. Andy, you and I have to go
see "Lord of the Rings". I've seen it 57 times and each time
gets better and ...
"Boob"
Burgess(Turkey): Knock it
off! We need Russia, alright.
Dead! Hahahahaha! [Brushes his viperous hair backward, tying it in a
little ponytail, like Amy Grant]. Since Count Chockula's not here, I'll
take the first bite. Ummm, that Sevastopol sure looks good, doesn't it?!
[Just then, Gary returns with a Bud-Lite six-pack for Woody, and stands
momentarily shocked by the diminutive threesome jumping up and trying to
get into the baby Tsar's cradle]
Woody:
Hoo, boy, must be Friday night in Memphis! When's Mike Tyson going
to bite an ear off?
Gary:
"Get away from him, you bitch!"
Woody: So now, "Count Vlad",
you're Sigourney Weaver in an "Alien" movie? Hello, this is
"Dracula"!
Gary: Uh, right. How dare you
touch him! He belongs to me!
"Chum"
O'Kelley(Germany): Are
we to have nothing tonight? I am so weak and ...
Gary: For the last time, Chum, it was
you who asked me to come into Munich. I know what it’s like to go without
builds. Why, in 1902, I didn't get a single build. Now Mazzer,
Mazzer has gotten builds every single, solitary year. And Mazzer killed
France ...
Woody:
With a lot of Italian help. And then you helped yourself to Paris
and to Spain and ...
"Big Bird"
Andy(Austria) I don't feel
so good myself. I'm almost as weak as Germany and....
Gary: These things take time, little
ones. We're working on building
up Turkey this year. He's as strong as both of you two put together
now. Just remember our game has a new
Austria and a new Russia but the same old Turkey and the Sultan has waited the
longest. All in good time, all in good time.
Woody: You're switching to another
movie again, but this time it is appropriate, you Wicked Witch of the South!
[The children of the night
leave. Gary turns to the new baby Tsar sleeping in his cradle ...]
Gary:
I see the Force is strong in young Keanu "De" Rees.
But he was raised away from us and he would not be able to be tempted with
such power. But I will train him. Under my leadership, he will
learn how to wisely use his power.
Woody: So now you're Liam Neeson?
Gary: The
"Phantom Menace" for the Phantom Menace. Au revoir, France!
GM to GAME: Thanks for that tour-de-force, Mr. Press Writer. And now, for a completely different kind of
menace …
BOOBISH WITCH (THE
TRUE WITCH'S TIT – I HAVE ONE YOU KNOW!) to FEEBLE WITCH: I shall relent and allow you to assume the
position and allow me to restore your magical powers. But you must
be my loyal familiar!
GM to GAME: … and …
TURKEY to
ENGLAND: Why don't the English consider
Turkey Livers a delicacy? Cause they're too busy establishing
hegemony in other places where they don't belong! Get out of
Holland, now!! The Dutch have their
Turkey Livers in the right place.
GM to GAME: … and …
BOOBY to O'K: Me man, Jimmy boy, now don't you go and give
up, y'hear? I need you to take my Turkey Livers to my 5-star
restaurant in Rotterdam. Now, you say Rotterdam is not known for its
cuisine, and I say yes, but that's why I'm sending a German to liberate it!
GM to GAME: … and …
BOOB to CORKY: Sorry, DeRees, me boy, explaining TWO
DECADES of this is simply beyond my teaching capabilities. This is a
community and the context is uncertain. Perhaps if we met at the
Temple in Salt Lake City and researched our ancestors on pilgrimage together
for a year and shared stories every night we could get caught
up. But I don't have the year to give. I'm sorry, my bad. I deserve all your wrath, and MORE!
GM to GAME: … followed by …
BOOB to MAZZER: On the contrary, dear sir, you have not put
me to sleep, but have awakened me. Aren't you sorry you didn't just
keep sending the sleeping pills my way??
GM to GAME: … not to mention …
HERR BOOBISHNESS to
MONSIEUR MAZZER:
Snuffle....huh. How did you grow into Brest without me
noticing??? I'm the Boob around here, and don't YOU forget
it!!! And you VIL talk, you VIL.
Or I shall send my simulacrum, Shark Chum, infested with vile poisons to
infiltrate and destroy your first born.
GM to GAME: … in fact, if you take my advice you’ll stop
reading immediately because, from here on out, it’s just a bunch of mindless,
meaningless, menacing Burgess-Babble, interspersed with me trying to salvage some
sort of sense (I gave up on humor) from the meandering monologue of muttered
musings that strike poor Jim-Boob.
Starting now, you are on your own.
BOOB to TRUE
SURVIVOR FANS: The real Pessimistic
Anthropic Principle is that we all aren't allowed to toss people we have become
bored with off our own personal islands. That's why Diplomacy is THE
game. Here, I think it's time to vote Corky off the island, one way
or the other. Sorry, Corky, it ain't personal, it's business. Sludge Olsen is THE business of this game
and he belongs on the Czar's Throne. If you are still the usurper,
then you must become MY chopped liver. My vote is in.
BOOB to FAZZIAN
FOG: I hope you lift soon.
BOOB to WORLD CUP
FANS: I don't think Turkey is in the
World Cup, is it?? If not, why not?? Must we let the
Italians win EVERYTHING?? This isn't going to become World Cup
Central, is it? TAP is the Sports
Authority, and I won't have my puny insignificant subszines usurping my
authority.
GM to BOOB: geesh, Burgess … this press is soooooo last
month.
BOOBISH MORAL
BANKRUPTCY to DUCKISH K-MART BANKRUPTCY:
I shop, therefore I am. Why doth the Duck destroy the rights
of the masses? What are Americans really willing to fight for except
the right to shop??? Really!
BOOBISHNESS WISHING
EVERYONE A BELATED HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY:
We know that the Duck is appreciative of his "she who must be
obeyed" and he's been agitating to get his soulmate together with mine....
there is the nagging worry that he thinks Charlotte might be ... well, we can't
talk about that in a family szine, but we are happy to see that the Italians
and the Russians (the Olsenite ones) have found their soulmates since last I
pressed them in a game. I wish Gary and Bob all the happiness they
deserve, as I search with desperation for a way to toady to them both ... and
on the serious note, we pass along our continuing best wishes to Andy and hope
that he is finding solutions to loneliness!! Not wanting to leave
out Mike and Jim, but I am not as familiar with their situations, I
hope everyone (Corky too!!) had a great Valentine's Day!!!
GM to BOOB: … make it sooooo TWO months ago.
BOOB to DUCK: Hey, since I've been silent, I have to
answer all the old press!!
DUCK to BOOB: That’s not true. You labor under a misconception …
BOOB HUNTS HIS OWN
ICH BIN BERLINER: I thought the Turkish twist was a delicious pastry, but it
has a sour taste.
DUCK to BOOB: … a very serious misconception ...
BOOBISH BEER LOVER
to MUNICH – BELONGS TO WHOM?: Where is
my O'K Shark Chum? Has he been made mincemeat by Italian
treachery?? Vas is das?? I just want my
beer. Give me a St. Pauli Girl!!!
DUCK
to BOOB: … a misconception bordering on
severe self-delusion … you needn’t keep doing this …
BOOB to CORKY: If your E-Mails are any indication, you
should be brilliant at one liner press releases ... may the Force be with you
... but there IS another ... and we hope he comes back in out of the
shadows. Sorry, but that's the way it
is.
WILLIAMS to
BURGESS: Seriously, I think you should
stop now before someone gets hurt …
BOOB to SPIDER: Along came a spider, and then we saw that
Monica Potter couldn't act.
DUCK to BOOB: She can’t act, you can’t write press – no
one’s perfect. Are you about done? Your press has really slowed down this issue. (I keep falling asleep reading it.) As you know, I’m trying to run a faster than
normal PBM game, but I’m afraid it’s not going fast enough.
BOOB to THOSE DESIROUS OF E-MAIL SPEED: Why do you think TAP has all of those web
links and such? I've been helping one of the players in the
"other game" //Iliad// with connecting up with E-Mail
games. I just came across another "hobby group" of
Diplomacy players the other day that numbers over 1200 fresh meat
souls. Those of you who continue to not believe that the Diplomacy
hobby is alive, healthy, and growing exponentially step to the rear of the
bus. Now THAT'S fresh meat!! My best guess is that the current worldwide
active hobby now exceeds 10,000 easily.
It has created a condition where I can extole Rob Stephenson for winning
World DipCon in Canberra recently and have longed to be there. Get thee all to the next World DipCon in
Denver next February!! This is a
wonderful community and getting more wonderful all the time.
BOOB to DUCK: You can tell me to stop any time now ...
I've only just begun to press ...
DUCK to BOOB: … sigh …
GM to GAME: See you all next time. It’d be nice to get something from the
hold-outs. The rest of you, keep up the
great work … we’ll put TAP on the map yet, or bankrupt Jim-Bob in the try!
“On
the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all
the time.” – George Orwell
2002-?? ILIAD
FLAMES
OF WAR IGNITE EUROPE … GERMANY AND RUSSIA CLASH IN POLAND, AS KRIEGSMARINE
BATTLES ROYAL NAVY IN NORTH SEA … OH, AND HOLLAND OCCUPIED BY HUNS … PORTUGAL
SACKED BY FRANCE … FRENCH CONTINUE PIEDMONT PROVOCATION … ITALY “PACIFIES”
TUNISIAN SEPERATISTS … TSAR AND ARCHDUKE LAUNCH SUCCESSFUL JOINT ASSAULT ON
BULGARIA … SULTAN’S ATTACK ON SEVASTOPOL IS TURNED BACK, BUT OTTOMAN FLEET
CAPTURES CRITICAL BLACK SEA … GREECE, RUMANIA, NORWAY ALSO FALL TO INVADERS …
GREEN GENERALS LEAD TO ARMY MISFIRES IN FRANCE, GERMANY … ARE WE HAVING FUN
YET?
OAustria (Ryan
Wheeler) A tya – BOH, A ser –
BUL, F alb – GRE.
OEngland
(Corky Clark) F nth -- NWY, F
NWG – nth, A wal – LON.
OFrance
(Scott Williams) A BUR – gal(imp), A MAR –
pie, F mao – POR.
OGermany (Greg
Bond) A SIL – war, A
ber – mun(nsu), A MUN u(H), F HOL – nth.
OItaly (John
Bovee) A VEN – pie, A
ROM – ven, F ion – TUN.
ORussia (Dave
Peterson) A GAL – war, A
SEV H, F bot – SWE, F RUM S (AUS) A ser – BUL.
OTurkey (Scott
Wilk) A bul H(d;r
Con,OTB), A ARM – sev, F con – BLA.
Game Notes:
PRESS:
If you guys aren’t going to use this space, can I borrow it for
my disclaimer?
Diplomacy is the copyrighted product of Hasbro, and all reproductions or other uses of the product in this publication are intended solely for personal entertainment and are not intended to infringe on those rights in any way. All costs of this publication are borne by the editor and others at a financial loss and are without profit or other commercial intent, except to promote the play and enjoyment of the game. Diplomacy can be purchased from Hasbro or other duly licensed distributors. I own three copies of the game and will certainly buy more – you can’t have too many.
Deny Everything is produced by Don Williams and the players of Deny Everything. DE#11
is DipNation publication #123r
Ryan
Wheeler 23841 Arroyo Park Drive, #801, Valencia, CA 91355 [email protected]
Corky Clark 29123
Diablo Place, Castaic, CA 91384 [email protected]
Scott Williams 729 N. Sunland, Ridgecrest, CA 93555 [email protected]
Greg
Bond 27614 N. Ron Ridge drive, Saugus, CA 91350 GMBo[email protected]
John Bovee 1127 11th Street, Suite
#310, Sacramento, CA 95814 [email protected]
Dave Peterson 23312 Portland Lane, Santa Clarita,
CA 91355 [email protected]
Scott Wilk 23929 Valencia Blvd, Suite #410, Valencia, CA 91355 [email protected]
YOUR MAP HERE
Austria Bud Tri
Vie BUL GRE 5 +2/Build 2
England Edi Lon
Lpl NWY 4 +1/Build
1
France Bre Mar
Par POR 4 +1/Build
1
Germany Ber
Kie Mun HOL 4 +1/Build 1
Italy Nap Rom
Ven TUN 4 +1/Build
1
Russia Mos Sev
Stp War RUM
SWE 6 +2/Build
2
Turkey Ank Con..Smy 3 Even/Build
1 (if retreat OTB)
Neutral gre bul
rum nwy por
swe tun hol
Ser Den Spa
Bel 4
34 TOTAL
NDIPLOMATICNIMPUNITYNSCOREBOARDN – Daylight Savings Sucks Edition
Mazzer 5 Some
say cryogenics, some say cloning … either way, we love him. Or his duplicate.
Press Judge 34 Great
stuff. Now send more. You’re not trying hard enough.
Three Italian Fleets 5 DIS loves it, but DIS ain’t in the game.
Press Sludge 6 So
long, Mr. Olsen … hope we get you into another game soon.
Standby Players 5 Good
as gold. DE really needs some
(old farts dying off fast); send resume on press skills.
Press Drudge 6 Sez
he’ll dis the DIS; either forgets or flakes, then goes on forever … .
ex-Survivor Gina 5 Voted
off the island, then runs away with Hunter.
Next … big hair? We’re
DISillusioned.
Press Nudge 34 Corky, Chum –
uncork and start writing press … or face the Press Judge.
Nude Diplomacy 5 Hey,
just a random thought … I mean, not with THIS crew, but still …
Daylight Savings Time 5 What deviant rat bastard
thought this torture up?
GM Errors 6 Old
DIS: Errors are history! New DIS:
Have Lischett and Williams change places. Soon.